


we were born (for this)

by swingsetjunkie



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M, au-ish, it's a thing for me oops, shep is afraid of space
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-11
Updated: 2013-03-17
Packaged: 2017-12-05 00:13:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/716663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swingsetjunkie/pseuds/swingsetjunkie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short AU-ish sort of thing where Shepard is afraid of space. Destroy ending; Kaidan takes it upon himself to rehabilitate Shepard after it's all over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**we were born**  
(for this)

It takes, of all things, a Reaper invasion for Kaidan to realize it. The end of the galaxy to see something that's been in front of his face for what feels like forever- something that the rest of the crew knew (and didn't talk about, out of respect), something that should have been so glaringly obvious that the fact he missed it almost hurts.

Commander Shepard is afraid of space.

It sounds more ridiculous put to words than kept in thought, and Kaidan finds himself hunched over on the couch in Shepard's cabin, staring at his hands with something like disbelief (and something like regret). All the clues had been there- the way Shepard never looked out any windows, how he kept the ones in his cabin shuttered and closed, how he seemed to shrink whenever they had to reboard the Normandy after a ground mission. The green tinge his face took when Joker pulled some impressive move to get out of enemy range.

All the times Kaidan found him underneath engineering, seemingly calm despite the shaking in his hands (which Kaidan always attributed to the hunger that came with using their biotics, stress, low blood pressure) begin to make sense; hours that Shepard spent doing all his reports down there rather than on the Crew Deck or in the CIC start to have true meaning. Shepard's aversion to the Kodiak and using the shuttle unless necessary.

The things that Shepard's done despite his fear.

Kaidan feels his respect for the man grow exponentially. Joining the Alliance had to have taken serious balls; doing all these missions, all of the things that he's done since he joined up... Kaidan can respect that. He can respect that a Hell of a lot. Leaving Mindoir after being raided had to have killed Shepard- and he'd been a kid. A kid, facing a huge, inescapable fear.

He's not sure if he wants to broach the topic or ignore it. Sure, they've been lovers, friends, but Shepard keeps people at arm's length, even the ones who're closest to him (and Kaidan can say that with certainty, now), doesn't like dwelling on the past, on his personal life. He likes to live in the moment, focus on what's at hand, and Kaidan can respect that, especially now, at what could be the end of days.

The door hisses open, and Kaidan sits up, fixes a grin (he hopes it's a grin) on his face as Shepard walks in, toting a bottle of the Normandy's finest in one hand and a handful of datapads in the other. “Ready to get some work done?”

“Ready to have a drink,” Kaidan replies, accepting the bottle and a glass- and a datapad- with ease. He's good at this, at pretending that nothing's different. He can keep this to himself; if Shepard didn't want to tell him, he wouldn't bring it up. It wasn't his business (despite the nagging voice that said it was, because he cared about Shepard too damn much) , and he wouldn't force himself into Shepard's private life. No matter how much he wanted to.

“Careful, Major, you'll tempt me into depravity.”

“You callin' me depraved, Commander?” There's an undercurrent affection there, under the fake indignation and humor, that Kaidan wouldn't trade for the world. He doesn't want to lose that.

“What? Me? Never,” Shepard laughs, and flops on the couch next to him. Kaidan can feel the tension leave Shepard as he leans on his shoulder, fingers idly working the cork on the bottle. Once he manages to get it open, he pours himself a drink, then offers it to Shepard- who takes it with a grin, pours himself a glass.

“Welcome to the life of the morally liberated, Commander.”

Shepard lets out a full-bodied chuckle at that, and Kaidan feels pleasure roil through him like victory. There's something exhilarating about making Shepard laugh; it's a potent drug, really, something that Kaidan will never get enough of. Shepard's like an addiction, and Kaidan doesn't mind it at all.

So he doesn't say anything. Not now.

And then, abruptly, it's too late to ask Shepard anything; there's only desperate, biting kisses and gunfire, and he's hauled back on the Normandy like so much extra baggage; he watches Shepard leave, watches him run towards what he knows will be his death, and that's the last he sees.

Putting a name on a wall never hurt so much before.


	2. Two

Three months later, Kaidan rips it down with something like vengeful joy, snaps the nameplate in half, then in half again, until the pieces are small enough that each hosts an individual letter of Shepard's name. Garrus watches him do it with a smile on his usually-inscrutable Turian face, arms crossed, fatigues creased and worn in the Normandy's lights.

“Never thought I'd get to do this.”

“Shoulda known he'd be back. Died once already; Shepard doesn't know how to stay dead,” Garrus chuckles, and Kaidan can't help but agree. The man was a walking miracle.

The Alliance found his body in the wreckage of the Citadel, burned and battered (along with the rest of everyone, but Shepard always did manage to pull through), and they'd sent him straight to the best hospital in the galaxy. It'd taken time- time that his survival was kept secret, even from Kaidan- and it'd taken a lot of credits (thankfully, Shepard would never lack for credits in the rest of his lifetime; saving the galaxy a few times did that) to bring him back from the brink of whatever it was that he'd been stuck at.

After the Reapers had been destroyed, they'd thought he'd died. It'd been an indescribable feeling, losing someone like that- and with so little time together, no matter how intense that time might have been- and Kaidan had nearly lost himself to it. But he'd held on- he'd held on. For Shepard.

And Shepard had turned up, barely conscious, still bruised and ruined from the destruction, but alive nonetheless.

Kadian tosses the nameplate pieces away.

Shepard wakes from his induced coma with a groan and a swear. He can't move- it's disturbing, how often he has that thought- and he can feel that something's going on, even if he can't quite get his eyes all the way open. He remembers a blast, hurtling him into the Citadel- into the Catalyst- after he destroyed the Reapers; everything after that was a haze of red and pain, explosions--

But, well, if he was awake, that meant that something had gone right.

“Shepard!”

That was Kaidan's voice; Shepard attempts to reply, to move, to acknowledge him, because it was Kaidan, and they were both, miraculously, alive, alive and together, despite everything, the Reaper invasion, Cerberus, after all this time. They had made it.

“Shepard, you're okay, you're fine, don't try to move, the doctors are coming in to get you off the coma drugs. You'll be- you'll be ready to save the galaxy again in an hour.”

An hour.

It's the longest hour of Shepard's life, mind racing, filled with questions, demands, and the desire to know that everything was okay, that everyone had made it, and there was nothing he could do but sit there and worry about it. Kaidan- he could feel Kaidan's hand clenching around his own, reassuring, though not enough, not enough-

The doctors took him off the meds, prepped him for pre-intensive care, and he could move, though it hurt like Hell, so naturally he sat up as soon as he could, fired off questions almost faster than Kaidan could answer them, and didn't relax until he was sure that everything- and everyone- was okay.

“Shepard. John. We're all okay. EDI and the geth are...they're gone, but everyone else? Everyone else is fine. We're rebuilding. Slowly, sure, but that's to be expected. I'm just...I'm so goddamn glad that you're okay, Shepard. It was Hell, those months after everything. Nobody knew if you were dead or alive, and, eventually, we just...We buried you, y'know? It...”

“Kaidan.”

“No, Shepard, you gotta know. You gotta know how amazing it is that you made it through all of that. When we saw the Citadel explode, it...It really hit home. They found you kind of in pieces, stitched you back together. Miranda led the project- ironic, right- and it was kept under wraps for months. Even from me. She said it killed her, not being able to tell the galaxy that you were gonna be okay. But you're...you're good now.”

Shepard buries his face in his hands.

“EDI and the geth are dead.”

“The Reapers were destroyed in the blast of whatever you did, but, well...None of the synthetics made it. You did what you had to do, Shepard.”

“No, Kaidan, I didn't. I...I had options. This one- this was, it...”

“Shepard?”

“It was the only option that I could see me making it out of there. So I sacrificed the synthetics. I killed them, Kaidan, because I wanted to see you again. I said I'd be waiting, and I,” Shepard takes a deep breath, and Kaidan rests a palm on his back, reassuring, “I wanted to keep at least one of the promises I made to you.”

Kaidan isn’t sure what to say in response to that. Shepard gave up a species for him.

With something like desperation and a lot like pain, he draws Shepard's face out of his hands, presses his lips to his forehead, his eyelids, the ridge of his cheekbone, the corner of his mouth, his jaw, down, down, and Shepard leans into him, tired, still a bit broken, and Kaidan can feel the shame of it coming off of him.

“Hey. Shepard,” he mutters, “I know that...I know that you've had to make some decisions, some hard choices, and that nothing ever really worked out how we wanted it to, but...I'm glad. I'm glad that you're here. And I...I think you did the right thing. Anderson and the Alliance wanted to destroy the Reapers. That's what we set out to do, and that's what we wanted. Anything else, well, we don't know what would have happened.”

Shepard grabs his words like a lifeline, holds on, drags himself up and out.

“Do you want me to let everyone else in?”

“No. Not...Not yet. Please, Kaidan, just. Sit with me?” Shepard looks lost, bruised, and Kaidan can't turn him down. Had never been able to turn him down.

“Always, John.”

Shepard is elevated to Admiral upon leaving the hospital a few months later, and he sees what three months after the Reapers has done for humanity- scientists have ripped technology from the shells, cleaned the streets, started on rebuilding the cities. The beam from the Citadel was still there- so they were in London- and, squinting at the sky, Shepard can see the faint whiteness of it against the blue.

“We're rebuilding it, as we rebuild the cities. It's humanity's Citadel, now. The turians, salarians, and asari haven't contested it. The relays are getting back up into running condition, but it's gonna be...It's gonna be a while. We've set up camps and areas for those that got stuck here, though the quarians are staying off-planet in what's left of the flotilla. They're starting to rebuild the geth.”

“I thought the geth were dead? All of them?”

“Some of their software made it through. We're uploading everything, making them hardware to occupy. They won't be the same- we're making them to help get settled on Rannoch, when we fix the relays- but, well, it's not as bleak as we'd thought,” Tali approaches them quickly, Garrus in tow. Shepard grins, holds out a hand for them to shake- only to be drawn into a tight hug from both of them.

“Glad to see you in one piece, Shepard. Thought I'd have to keep you waiting up at that bar by yourself,” Garrus chuckles, and Shepard steps back with a grin.

“Glad I got through. How...How've things been?”

“Palaven's being rebuilt without us,” Garrus replies, “but the fleet'll be able to leave as soon as the relays have been repaired. Might take a few months, might take a year. I dunno, I'm no engineer; I've just been put in charge of maintaining the turian outposts here on Earth while the Primarch- he made it, by the way- works out all the other details. It's been Hell, Shepard, but at least we've been around to experience it.”

“Where's the rest of the crew?” Shepard has seen all of them briefly, while he's been in the hospital, but everyone was busy- understandably busy- and he'd only caught snippets and snatches of what everyone had been doing while he'd been under Miranda's care and then placed in a hospital. His survival had only been made public after his condition had stabilized, not long after he woke up for the first time.

Being made an admiral- as someone who had enlisted, too- had been a shock. Anderson would've been proud.

“Sorting out the rest of the mess. We're all pretty important people, you know. Survival of our species, rebuilding technology, peacemaking with everyone- it's been crazy,” Tali replies dryly, and Kaidan grins.

“Stress getting to you, Tali? Need to take a breather? And I thought you handled being an Admiral so well-”

“With great power comes great responsibility, _Spectre_ Alenko.”

Shepard had missed this. It'd been why he'd chosen to destroy rather than control or synthesize- he was only human (if a bit more, sometimes). He needs this, and he hadn't gotten enough of it when he'd had it. He'd begged Kaidan not to tell anyone about the choices he'd made- that there had other options to save the galaxy- and Kaidan had agreed. No one would need to know what he'd done. Let them have their war hero.

They knew the score, and that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize if this didn't make much sense because idek man


	3. Three

Kaidan had a lot of free time. Sure, he helped with repairs, with Spectre business, diplomacy and bureaucracy and all the things he had to do, but he had time, as opposed to when he was on board the Normandy. Shepard had time, too- being the hero of the Reaper War had granted him that. It'd been a while since he'd seen Shepard relax, and in his opinion, Shepard still didn't do enough of it, but it was nice nonetheless.

He still had so many questions. He figured that they'd have the time to ask them, to figure out what they were- who they were- but Shepard dodged them whenever he could. Kaidan knew that Shepard was still afraid of space; he wanted to know why, he wanted to help- they had to go back to the Normandy someday, and it cut him up inside to know that Shepard wasn't looking forward to it as much as he was.

The Normandy was their home, more than Earth, more than Shepard's apartment on the Citadel (which was also being rebuilt, along with everything else; it would be a while yet, but they could go back there, someday), more than the apartment that they were sharing in London. They'd spent months, years, lifetimes aboard her- it was only fitting that they get to go back, eventually. Sure, the crew wouldn't be the same, but he knew that some people- Garrus, Tali, and Joker, among them- wanted nothing more than to get back on the old girl.

They could be ambassadors to their races while onboard the Normandy. They'd done it before; now, it would just be official.

But Kaidan wants Shepard to want it as much as they do. Otherwise, it won't be worth it.

“Hey, Shepard, can we talk?” It was a warm, sunny day in London- a rarity- and they're at the apartment, stretched out together on the plushest couch Kaidan's ever sat on. They have work they should be doing- datapads and papers were scattered across the coffee table in front of them and on the floor- but they've been procrastinating, as usual, and Shepard is warm and pliant against his chest, both of them comfortably dressed in thin grey t-shirts and alliance sweats.

“Mmm?”

“Tell it to me straight, Shepard. Are you...Are you afraid of space?”

Shepard doesn’t say anything for a while after that, and Kaidan almost, almost tells him to forget it, that it's not important, he can live without getting recognition-

“I am. Anderson said it was stupid, to enlist and then be afraid of space. I didn't really listen to him, you know, I had all these dreams of glory and being a hero, nevermind the fact that it'd all be done in space. Never thought any of it would come true, you know, but then we found that beacon and everything went to Hell. It was like everything I was afraid of didn't matter, not anymore. So I pushed it aside,” Shepard speaks in halting tones, voice pitched low; Kaidan can tell that it is a blow to his pride to admit this, even to him.

“I did what I had to, Kaidan. Someone else might've gotten it wrong.”

Kaidan recognizes the pain in Shepard's voice when he's done- the undeniable draw of duty had made him do things he'd have rather died than done, and they were done. Finally done.

“Why are you scared of it?” Perhaps the question is too probing- after all, Shepard had already told him more than Kaidan had been expecting to hear, but, well, they had time now, and Kaidan hopes that Shepard trusts him now, trusts him more than when they were pointing guns at each other and then at the Reapers.

“I told you about Mindoir. And just...It's big, Kaidan, and we've learned that there's a Hell of a lot out there that wants to kill us. When I got spaced by the Collectors, I think...I think it got worse. Because I died. I didn't have enough oxygen, and I couldn't move, not the way I wanted to, only where gravity wanted me to go- and that was down onto a planet. The fact that the same thing could happen again- or could happen to you, Garrus, Liara, anyone- it. It scares me.”

Shepard deflates after that, and Kaidan can only run his hand down Shepard's side, tracing the muscle and ribs through the thin shirt. “Did I ever tell you that I'm afraid of tight spaces?”

“Yeah. That's...That's why you stayed in that goddamn observation bay, right? Said it made you feel like the room was bigger.” Shepard presses into the touch, hand drawing Kaidan's to his back, where Kaidan obligingly rubs the tense skin there.

“I know that it's not the same, Shepard, but, well, if you ever need anything from me, I can help. Probably. Actually, probably not, but, well, you know what I mean, right?” Damn, he's bad at that.

“Relax, Kaidan. I appreciate it, really. Really,” Shepard laughs, rolling his shoulders against Kaidan's hands, “I do.”

“You're just saying that because you want me to rub your back.”

“Maybe. A little bit. You'll never know,” Shepard challenges, and Kaidan smirks, sends a jolt of biotics through his palm that he knows would buzz Shepard's skin, just enough to tingle (and maybe sting a little, but not much). Shepard yelps and falls out of the couch in a pile of blue fleece and cotton, and Kaidan laughs, and laughs, and laughs, until Shepard presses him deep into the couch and shuts him up the way he knows Kaidan likes.

It's not until the whole crew of the Normandy- everyone, even Javik- shows up at their apartment that Shepard realizes that going back to the Normandy is inevitable. Sure, he loves that damn ship more than anyone- it was his home- but the creeping fear of going back into space- the dread of it, like an iron weight in his gut- dragged him down and down, made him procrastinate on going through the procedure of procuring the Normandy's papers to prove he owned her. Figuratively.

She was his ship, though.

“You sure you're ready to get back in the thick of things, Shepard? It's only been...Christ, it's only been six months,” Six amazing months, Shepard decides, alone with Kaidan, hiding from (most of) the press and (a lot of) their obligations. It'd been the break they'd both needed, but it was time.

“We gotta go back sometime, Kaidan. Galaxy needs their heroes, Council needs their Spectres, Hackett needs the Normandy out running some damage control. I hate politics as much as you do, but...We gotta.”

“You know that's not what I'm talking about.”

“Kaidan,” Shepard hums, “I survived years in space. Years. Wars. I've got it under control.”

It still kills Kaidan that Shepard has to handle it by himself. He won't let him in, won't let him help; he does what he can, heals what he can, but there's only so much he can do. “If you need anything, anything at all, ask. A sanity check, someone to do reports with, a quick shag-”

“I think Joker would strangle himself if he overheard me making that kind of call, Kaidan.”

And they laugh, though under it all, Kaidan can feel Shepard's growing dread, and he hasn't felt this helpless since Shepard sent him back to the Normandy on the run to the beam. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

But if that was how it had to be, Kaidan can live with that.

He'll take anything Shepard can give him, then take all the rest, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> went through and spellchecked everything.  
> i am literally so bad at editing my own writing eue


	4. Four

Garrus Vakarian isn't a stranger to being a third wheel. Sometimes he relishes it, knowing that he gets to play chaperone to Kaidan and Shepard or whoever the Hell he's saddled with; _having_ a third wheel, though, is something else entirely, though Garrus isn't sure if Kaidan counts as a third wheel or not.

He's just been clingy (understandably so), and it's hard for Shepard to relax and throw cans for him to shoot when Kaidan's staring at them, both judging and amused. If Kaidan notices this, he doesn't say anything. Garrus will, though, if he has to. Kaidan gets plenty of time with Shepard, and he gets that Kaidan wants to make up for lost time, but their beer runs are sacred, something not even Tali asked about or tagged along for.

He's infringing on best friend space. Garrus isn't even sure that's possible- especially since he and Kaidan are pretty good friends, as well- but it somehow is.

For some reason, the thought is far more amusing than the reality.

“So, we're shipping out in three days, eh? Old girl got her repairs?”

“That's what I've been told. Technically, I should be staying here to help with the rebuild- as some glorified handyman- but being an Admiral does have its perks. Never thought I'd get promoted this high, though. Puts me on par with Hackett,” Shepard replies, heaving an empty bottle into the air. Garrus shoots it down lazily, not even bothering to check the sights before firing. He can feel Kaidan's disapproval at that- man always was a bit of a tightass, even after Shepard made him drop a lot of the regs hardwired into his brain- and he grins at it.

“Don't let Hackett hear you saying that, Shepard. Don't wanna clean up the smear of you that'd be left over.”

Shepard laughs out loud at that, flings another bottle into the air. It's not the same as throwing them off of the top of the Presidium, but tossing them from the roof of Kaidan's apartment complex is almost as satisfying.

“You sure you're ready to ship out so soon?” Kaidan's voice was a low rumble, almost startling, and Garrus smirked, sharp and full of disdainful amusement.

“Damn right. I know I'm ready, and if I'm raring to get back on that clusterfuck of a ship, well, Shepard-”

Shepard shook his head, a sharp, jerky thing that stopped Garrus in his tracks. Weird.

“I'll be fine, Kaidan. Wounds are pretty much gone, and besides, if we stay here much longer, Hackett'll find something distasteful for us to do. Crew's all here, anyway.”

At least that much was true- even Zaeed and Kasumi had shown up, looking bored and just a bit desperate, and asked if they could join Shepard on the Normandy when he was ready to go. He couldn't have said no to that.

“If you're sure. I'm...I'm gonna go get my stuff together. When are we due to board?”

“Eighteen hundred. Joker wants to ship out as soon after that as he can, though that won't be until probably half an hour after that. Always gotta do the goddamn system checks. Y'know, my clone didn't run them, I don't see why I have to-”

Kaidan took that as his cue to leave, knowing that Shepard could rant and rave about that damned clone for hours on end, and only Garrus could shut him up long enough to change the subject.

“See you later, Shepard.”

Shepard paused long enough in his tirade to wave Kaidan off, and Garrus couldn't help but feel a bit of jealous satisfaction that he had Shepard all to himself- finally. It was hard, when your best friend fell in love with his other best friend and spent all his time with him. Sure, he had Tali, but there was only so much he could take before he needed to get out and reassert his testosterone levels by shooting flying bottles of shit beer.

Shepard always tagged along.

“So, no, really, what's got Alenko all knotted up?” Garrus interrupted, and Shepard frowned, didn't reply right away. Weirder still. Shepard always told him everything, all the sordid details that Garrus never wanted to hear and got to hear, anyway.

“I dunno. Probably thinks I'm made of glass. I did almost die again. He's been...It's been nice, you know? Being able to spend time with him, especially because we never got to before. But I think he thinks that I'm gonna break on him or something. It's touching, but-”

“Unnecessary?”

“Yeah.”

They always agree on the important things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how do we write garrus vakarian? we just don't know.


	5. Five

One of the more embarrassing- and frustrating- moments of Shepard's career is when Hackett summons him and Kaidan to his office in London before they board the Normandy, where berates and reminds them of Alliance regs.

“You were on shore leave, Admiral, and I understand circumstances were dire during the Reaper war, but now that everything's calmed down, I trust you understand that you can and will be tried for fraternization if anyone sees you or figures you out? War hero or not, Shepard, you're an example- be a good one.”

It's tempting to remind Hackett that as Spectres, he and Kaidan are well outside Alliance regulation standards, and that they could do what they wanted so long as the Council didn't care, but it makes sense.

It makes damning sense.

“Understood, sir.”

Hackett nods, a clear dismissal, and they leave, backs ramrod straight, six inches separating them. It's not until they're out of the building completely and in a cab to Kaidan's apartment (to finish packing, then head out to the drydock where the Normandy has been undergoing repairs for the past few months) that they relax, and Kaidan offers a tentative smile.

“Well, I can't say I didn't see that one coming. Didn't think he'd be so obvious, but, well."

Shepard laughs, though there's regret in his eyes. “What...what do you want to do? Do you want to put this on hold, or,” he takes a breath, “do you want to end it? Because it'd be idiotic to get caught up in regulations and everything because the Alliance can't deal with the fact that-”

“No, Shepard. Like Hell we're gonna let some Alliance regs break this off, no matter what Hackett says. If they court-martial us, Shepard,it's on them if the repercussions kill public morale. We're heroes, Spectres, they can't-”

“Kaidan, they can. I don't want to ruin your career, not when you just got promoted, not when all of the galaxy knows who we are. We're already being watched, Kaidan. People already think that you used me or I used you to get into a position of power; I...I don't want to put you in jeopardy.”

Kaidan doesn't say anything for a while after that, and as they walk into the apartment complex, Shepard worries that he said the wrong thing. He's always bumbling around, he doesn't know how to do this, to be a proper person- too long spent as a soldier, too long spent worrying about more than just himself.

“Shepard. I understand. I do, really, but I can't give you up. Not after all the shit we've been through. I don't give a damn about my career, and I don't want you to give up on this out of some misplaced sense of chivalry or duty. I want us, and if that means that we don't board the Normandy tomorrow, then we don't board her. Didn't want to settle down so soon, but I can, and you can. Don't let Hackett and his regs- don't- Shepard, please,” Kaidan drags Shepard into their apartment, slams the door, pushes him down onto the couch.

“Please don't give up on us or put what we have on hold because of the Alliance.”

“Kaidan-”

“No. I don't want to. I need you, and if the Alliance doesn't understand that, then they'll be out one Spectre. You've given enough to the Alliance, Shepard. Don't give us to them, too.”

Shepard can't speak. It goes against what he believes, what he knows is right, but Kaidan makes a persuasive point, and, Hell, if he'd wanted to give him up, if he'd wanted to let this go- the only reason he was alive was because he knew he could go back to Kaidan.

“People need us out there, Shepard, and I'm not going anywhere without you. The Alliance can either overlook it or charge us with fraternization,” Kaidan says that with enough conviction that Shepard lets go of the tenuous string of dread that they were over, because they'd always done what the Alliance had wanted, always been good little soldiers, even when the world- the galaxy- had been crashing around them. Shepard tugs Kaidan onto his lap, presses his mouth to his neck, exhilarated. It had felt, for a moment, that they were over, in favor of duty- because they had always put the galaxy over themselves, over their lives, over everything- and to be given the choice to put what he wants over what the Alliance wants is something else.

Makes him realize that he can do what he wants with Kaidan, that they can hold hands on the Normandy, not just while on shore leave, that they won't have to make excuses when someone catches Kaidan in the captain's quarters, when one of them isn't careful enough to hide a bite, when Chakwas gives them that knowing look of hers. If they toss out regulation- and with the popularity that they have, they really, really could, now that Shepard thinks about it; the Alliance can't afford to charge them on fraternization, especially not when it's the Hero of the Galaxy and Kaidan Alenko, faithful crewmember.

The press'll be a bitch to deal with, but Shepard has Al-Jilani and Allers on his side, if he promises interviews; the Council will support them, as Spectres- always eager to undermine the Alliance- and the only thing that they'll have to worry about is Hackett himself.

A terrifying thought, but Shepard shoves it from his mind when Kaidan presses a kiss to his forehead, then his mouth, open, dirty, wanting.

The pieces may not fall perfectly, but they fall in place all the same.

There's a ceremony, when they board the Normandy again. Technically, any member of the crew could have their own ship- Tali and Kaidan especially- but they've all come back to where they know they belong. Shepard greets them all with a salute and a handshake as they board, a grin on his face. Garrus, Liara, Tali, Kaidan, Samantha, Joker, and Chakwas are first; Javik, Grunt, Kasumi, Miranda, Jack, James, Samara, and Jacob follow. Shepard feels the missing members like punches to the gut, but the war took its toll on everyone. The Normandy won't be the same without EDI, and Shepard knows that it's his fault. He almost can't bear to look at Joker, but he keeps his smile in place, salutes, welcomes his best pilot- and closest friend- back to the Normandy.

Once everyone is comfortable, back where they belong, Shepard leans against the rail in front of the galaxy map, picks a destination- Palaven- and says, after a satisfied pause, “Get us outta here, Joker.”

“Aye, sir!”

And the Normandy jets into space, toward the rebuilt, renewed Sol Relay.

Shepard feels the familiar lurch in his stomach as the ship goes into FTL- the crushed feeling in his chest starts to come back, after so long just being an afterthought, and he tells Traynor that he's going to be in his cabin if anyone needs him. He can close the blinds in there, pretend he's back on Earth, not blasting through space.

Back to how things used to be. It was familiar, if a bit bad, and Shepard clings to that familiarity. Everything's been different since the end of the Reaper War; feeling nauseous and uncomfortable is an equal exchange for normalcy, for stability. He shoves that thought to the forefront of his mind as he takes the elevator up, alone, to his cabin.

It's just as he remembers, which is a comfort; he can do work here, while away a few hours before he has to do something else. He can feel panic rising in his throat- it's right there, they're rocketing through the blackness of it, the death, the enormity of it, and he lets himself heave when the cabin door hisses shut behind him.

Back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thinking maybe 2 chapters left.  
> short is the name of the game, yo.


End file.
